From Badgers Drift to The Safe Haven at Midsomer Holm (73.4 miles).
By Ben Barnaby
This walk takes in some of the most beautiful yet dangerous countryside in England. It is muddy in parts so good stout bloodproof boots are essential. Make sure that your family and loved ones know where you are at all times.
1. Walk north from Badgers Drift following signs to Goodman’s Land. Admire the handsome police cars lining the road and watch the forensic pathologist dissecting yet another body from this picturesque village, parts of which date back to the late 20th century (the village, not the body, which is probably much older).
2. At Goodman’s Land pause to watch the colourful local adulterer attempting to net yet another victim in the local pub, The Old Goose. He is much hated in the village (by the husbands in particular) and is not expected to live long.
3. Head out towards Midsomer Parva. If you look carefully in the undergrowth around the war memorial you may find human remains. Under no circumstances should you remove them as they are there for a reason.
4. The path northwest towards Newton Magna is of particular interest, containing many kinds of Nettles and Red Herrings. Death has frequently cast its shadow in this area.
5. At Newton Magna it is best to enter the river and wade or swim upstream for about 17.75 miles towards the bustling county town of Causton. Do not be too concerned at the bodies floating past you; this is normal. A great deal happens in Causton but few people care to discuss it. There is much crime as the police tend to be occupied elsewhere.
6. From Causton you can lengthen the walk by heading north but people rarely do so as the villages in that area are known to be lawless and not everyone who ventures there returns. Better to walk south in the direction of Midsomer Florey and Midsomer Holm. These pretty villages (often described as being like chocolate boxes) are not quite what they seem and may repay closer examination, but do not linger over-long. Although there are many quaint and attractive cottages and manor houses to be seen the chances of your returning to The Safe Haven in one piece are probably not great. Nevertheless you will have enjoyed a walk round one of the most idyllic regions in the country, although The Safe Haven may not necessarily live up to its name.
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