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April 2011
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fete The Lee under siege
By Pauline Sullivan-Jones*

Those of us who have survived the slaughter of the Midsomer years recognise that our village is one of the most desirable in the Home Counties. As such we are under constant jealous attack. We have had the threat of aerial invasion, which seems to have flown away for the time being, having been repelled by our heroic militia, and we are now under siege from an Iron Racehorse. This has been proposed by the cynical Northern and Midland hordes and their lackeys, who, having ruined their own economies, are not only committed to destroying our hard-earned way of life, but want us to pay for it too!

Lost acres
And now, while our attention is concentrated on fighting off this threat, an even more insidious local plot has been exposed. Our own LI5 [Lee Intelligence 5] has been monitoring the rumblings from our south-west borders. Yes, those scurrilous rogues from Great Missenden are plotting to take back what they call the ‘Lost Acres’ which were ceded to The Lee by Act of Parliament in 1911. This act, they say, was a travesty of natural justice and a direct contravention of earlier acts which gave the whole of The Lee to Great Missenden ‘in perpetuity’. They already have the backing of their local councillors, their Euro MP and, among others, The Post Office which insists on retaining Great Missenden as part of our address. However, Bert Gockles, our man on the fringe, is on to them and is preparing a case for The European Court of Human Rights.

Even as we write, the tank-traps are being developed along all our access roads. These are cunningly camouflaged as pot-holes to put the Missenden Mafia off the scent. Our indomitable Parish Council is playing a game of ‘double bluff’ with the county authorities by putting them under just enough pressure to get the pot-holes filled but making sure that when the contractors come, they are paid to ensure that they fill the holes so badly that they need filling again after a few days. Much the same applies to The Lee Moat. While landowners are encouraged publicly to clear their drainage ditches, in private they are told to leave them blocked in the hope that access roads can be flooded completely when required. [Or when it rains.]

Most recently, The Lee Defence Organisation practiced the closing of access roads in order to see how difficult it would be for everyone. This was done under cover of resurfacing and diversions going nowhere.

Diversion ahead
LI5 has also discovered that the Missenden Mafia is proposing another route for HS2 that takes a tunnel right under The Lee. In this way they can protect their own environment and be able to creep up on us unseen. This ‘Trojan’ tunnel would run directly under our church. They are claiming that as a ventilation shaft would need to come up through the church tower, the railway would have to pay for its maintenance thus saving us [them!] money. It would also allow them to infiltrate the village unseen to regain the lost acres. They admit that occasional rumblings as trains pass would mean that services may have to have some time shaved off them but they point out that any vicar who can shave off a whole beard would surely be able to shave off a few minutes from a service. [Get well soon David].

Chief of Staff, General Gurney is on top of this diversionary scheme and is certain that it will not happen. Not on her watch!

Finally, when you go to the Lee Centennial Celebrations later this year remember, you read it here first!

*Real names withheld for security reasons. Ed.

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